You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
