i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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