went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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