you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Two words: blizzard sex
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
