Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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