Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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