Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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