I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
