We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
