i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
