My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
