is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
