things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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