he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
