Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
