Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
