so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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