i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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