I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
