How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
