I skipped work to stalk him.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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