I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
