I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
