I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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