...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize