how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
