Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
