i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
