i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
