just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
