What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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