In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
two words: eviction party
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
