Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So much rum. So many feels.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
