while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
