I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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