I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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