That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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