I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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