Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
