I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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