Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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