The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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