he thought i was a dude.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
