I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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