i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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