wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
