I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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