Four minutes until I can fart!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
