When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
