If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
