Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
