dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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