someone owes me an orgasm
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
