You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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