I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize