She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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