My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
