I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
