my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
